Recently, I’ve encountered my family and others putting pressure on me to live up to what they envision my future to look like. I truly am grateful to have people in my life trying to support me and push me towards success, however, the direction I’m being pushed to is getting farther and farther from where I want to be.

I’ve always had to deal with unrealistic expectations that I’ve never really been able to meet, and throughout the years I’ve caused my family more than one disappointment. I’ve always been awkward, and it’s been hard for me to make friends for as long as I can remember. I’ve never been able to connect with the people my age that my parents have wanted me to be with. My father has always wanted a child who was athletic, and would be as passionate about sports as he is. Ever since I was introduced to sports, I hated it. I was never good at it, and hardly ever played well when it counted. I eventually quit the sport I had played for years, even after my dad had tried to talk me out of it for weeks. Simply put, I haven’t even been able to live up to the absolute bare minimum of what my parents wanted of me.

Even still, I wanted to be able to make my family proud somehow. After countless other disappointments, I had successfully lowered the bar of expectations so low that getting a 4.0, in middle school no less, was praised around like I was a kid genius. Of course, I enjoyed being praised, and I wanted to show that I was on par with my other friends, who had always gotten better grades than me even when they were in harder classes. I was enthused being able to show to them and everyone else that I was just as capable as anyone else in academics. For a time, I even dreamed about going to NYU, having a set career already planned out in my brain.

I can’t say the same anymore, now. The aspirations I once had no longer apply to me, and now I find it infinitely harder to put effort into keeping up with my classes. I know that if I were to genuinely try, I would be able to do so much better than I am right now. I just can’t seem to muster the energy to do anything that I know would help me, though. Conveniently, my family is oblivious to how I struggle to do basic assignments and tasks in school, and now they’ve set up higher standards than ever. My aunt seems adamant that I become a doctor, because “You’re surely smart enough. You shouldn’t let it go to waste.” My father shares a similar mindset, strongly encouraging me to become a nurse, despite how I protest it.

My grandma wants me to take after her in sewing, even taking up entire summers in order to teach me everything she knows, an experience I’m grateful for. My half-sibling’s grandfather seems to want me to become a lawyer, for whatever reason, and anytime I see him at a family gathering he always insists that I consider it as a career.

Most of these option that are thrown towards my face are all jobs that require incredible skill and education. Honestly, I don’t know how to tell them that I just can’t be the super intelligent, talented, hard-working figure that they want me to be. That dilligent persona is nothing like what I really am. I just know, one day, their disappointment in me will once again rise, and there will be nothing about it that I can do.

“In Siddhartha’s face he saw no trembling, his eyes were fixed on a distant spot. Then his father realized that even now Siddhartha no longer dwelt with him in his home, that he had already left him.” -Siddhartha, Chapter 1

I want to have the courage that Siddhartha has to branch out and make my feelings known. Being able to detach oneself from what is wanted of them, and instead doing what they want for themself instead is something I’ve always wanted. I’m unable to find that own worth in myself, as all of my validation comes from the input of others. I’m aware of this problem, but ignorant as to how to fix it.

I wish to be like Siddhartha, but my own cowardice and shame prevents me from reaching such lengths.