Every day. It seems like such a natural action to perform. But why is it so difficult now?

I never liked sleeping as a child. I felt like it was a waste of time. I often wonder what developments led to my terrible sleeping schedule. Was it stress? The feeling of lacking of freedom in the daytime? Maybe it’s a combination of factors, but for now I’m not exactly sure.

Even though I don’t know what path led me here, I now nap in the afternoon and sleep extremely late at night. At first, I disliked the napping. It made quite a few of my assignments late and I sometimes missed hanging out with friends because I was asleep. Eventually I got to a point where I accepted the napping as a way of life. I set alarms before going to sleep so that I would wake up in time to do assignments or run errands.

As more stress piled on, I began to find sleep as a nice form of escapism. I didn’t have to think or work, even for just a moment. From then on, I started to hate waking up more than falling asleep.

At this point in time, waking up means thinking about work to me. It’s hard to stay awake when all you want is to not bother people and forget about your troubles. If you’re awake, you can’t run from all the disappointment or exhaustion you feel in life. At least that’s the line that satisfies my immediate gratification response system.

For better or worse, I prefer to think rationally. With this, I find it hard to justify my disdain for being awake. Although my immediate wanting is sleep, I know that it won’t help in the long run. As I learn and change more, I want to develop healthier habits in life to make the most of what I have. I know that sleeping to avoid problems, unfortunately, doesn’t make them disappear. Waking up still may be a challenge, but it’s a challenge I have to accept in order to become a better and more fulfilled person.