I don’t want to take internships for my future career, I don’t want to get my Driver’s Ed this summer, I don’t want to do anything new. This year, I started thinking about “finding myself” and trying to think far into the future for what/who I want to be. This thought rung in my ears at night because I really find it so frustrating. I just don’t know what to do, or who I want to be yet.

To those struggling on this concept like me, I understand that it’s important to find yourself at your own pace. It’s just that everything starting now can be connected to my future: what classes I can take over the summer that can benefit me in college, or what applications I should try that would help me for my job later. Like a lot of other teens however, I simply don’t want to think about it. It’s too much for a sophomore to know who they want to be in 10 years. I just want to think in the present and just be content with whoever I become in the future, with whatever job I’ll choose. I’ll just think about finding myself when I’m way older with more knowledge so that I can enjoy life.

However, everything around me is making that hard. I’m not even sure if I want to become an artist full time. There’s little chance that I can become a one because it’s difficult to sell paintings unless they’re commissions or requests from others. Should I just go in the medical field? I might’ve enjoyed genetics in 7th grade, but what does that mean to me? I dislike how there’s no guarantee for me. I don’t like trying new things and it was hard enough for me to choose a summer class for psychology. This time, I didn’t even think about psychology being apart of my future when I signed up for it. I just thought it was fun. Perhaps experimenting can be exciting.

I think the problem is my mindset. I just feel like everything is bothersome and I’m just tired. I want to say that it’s okay because of the pandemic this year, but I know I’ll have to change that kind of thinking some day. Yesterday, I saw an Instagram clip for art that was following a recent trend. So I stayed to watch. I didn’t expect it to leave me with a realization that I find it easier to CREATE myself rather than find myself. Taking steps to create the life you want to live sounds much easier and more enjoyable than simply “finding my true self.” It just doesn’t come first to you. It doesn’t come before your journey of creating your identity with your hobbies and discovering the things that bring you joy anyway. You will know when the time comes, but you can’t just wait for it to come.

In the end, I realized that changing one step at a time and improving yourself through experimenting is easier than waiting for destiny to do its magic. It might seem overwhelming when you try to plan things out 5 years in advance, but creating yourself has no rush to it and that was really difficult for me to truly grasp. Personally I find that right now, I’m not ready for a lot of things. It’s easier to say “there’s no rush to things” than believe it, but there’s always things you can do. If you needed a sprinkle of motivation to try that free writing class or sport you’ve been eyeing these past few months, then I hope this helped. There’s truly nothing to lose, but if you let go of those opportunities how will you know they will come to you again? Once again, it’s okay to feel lost. I hope you learn more about yourself and create your life the way you truly want to live. Sending you lots of luck (to myself and to all the others who need it)!

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself .

– George Bernard Shaw.