In the last year, I’ve stayed at home, and have spent hours looking in the mirror. This was the first summer I have stayed indoors, and wore clothes for a warm day, but without anyone seeing me. It has always been a challenge to evaluate how worthwhile it is to stress over my appearance. The people who surround me are supportive, and those who I’ve been stuck with don’t care if I have the body that I want, as long as I am healthy. And staying healthy has become a major passion of mine throughout the journey of staying at home.

In the beginning of the quarantine, I took it upon myself to develop home workouts, and knew I could do it in moderation, as I was not a training athlete. My previous life surrounding physical fitness was not restricted by the stay at home orders, and I knew that my only real ambition for strength should be out of necessity; If I’ll be strong enough to do all the activities I like, and to carry my 50 lbs dog. The idea of my appearance in the mirror, and my arms, proved itself my biggest struggle. I never wanted to get sucked into a pool of toxic masculinity. I knew how terrible it would be for my developing personality to workout only because I was perpetuated into “manliness”. 

I never wanted to workout because of the idea of manliness that many hold. I just developed an attraction to muscular physiques over the course of quarantine. More than that, it was inspiring to see people dealing with the same topic of masculinity that I was, and how expressive they can be. Through art, I’ve been searching for appropriate demonstrations of masculinity. My ideal form of male beauty was not as gendered as it used to be, and I wanted a lifestyle that did not put anybody else down. Under no circumstances would I use other people’s insecurities to push forward my own success with my body image. 

In staying at home, I was able to reflect upon myself and work on my insecurities. My arms specifically, I spent hours looking in the mirror past 10 pm. Usually after a workout of “perfecting the body”, I would look at myself and have no clue what to feel. There was pride, in that I was making myself, but I also saw uncertainty in my intentions. I was fearful that I was only persisting in working out because of a male body image that was formed by society, and not myself. 

In the blank periods of time throughout quarantine that I did not feel like working out, over time I stopped pushing myself to do something I didn’t want to. That was a lot of the journey; staying true to my initial goal to workout only because of a desire that I had. Only when I wanted to improve my body would I improve my body. Other than that, I would just ride my bike or sit in the sun outside. I think that the main thing people should worry about this summer is doing what makes them happy. Bike rides make me happy, and get me through the physical insecurities, because I know that If I can ride a bike, I’ll be happy with my strength.