I am the type of person to get inspiration for a project from the world around me.  However, with Quarantine happening it is impeding my artistic inspiration.  It is also making me lose motivation to do ANYTHING.  School work, hobbies, things I enjoyed doing before are beginning to get really hard for me.  I can’t tell if I have just been inside for so long, or if it’s something deeper than that.  Honestly, at this point, I don’t want to know.  

It was like when quarantine started, not only did the outside world shut down but so did I.  It was almost like a physical change, so much so that even my family started to notice.  I mean, I wasn’t a very good role model in the first place.  I wasn’t trying very hard in school, but I was getting my work done and going to all of my classes and doing my extracurriculars without complaining too much.  I was trying albeit not very hard.  

But with quarantine I couldn’t do any of that.  I know it sounds weird but it made me extremely happy.  Two weeks of no school, not going out, not having to do those things that were so bothersome was like a dream come true for an introvert like me.  I needed a recharge on my social battery anyway.  And it just kept going.  Two weeks turned into four, four weeks turned into two months, and the next thing I know I’ve been inside for seven months and I haven’t done anything useful or creative.  I was just going through the motions.  Small tasks that I was asked to do were getting harder and harder to do by the day.  It felt like I was using up all of my energy on just trying to stay awake!

I couldn’t find the inspiration nor the motivation to do even the simplest of tasks.  I just wanted to lay in bed and sleep.  Even with the new school year started, I still could barely find the motivation to get up everyday to just sit at my desk and listen to a lecture.  I could barely find it in myself to get dressed into actual clothes and not just my pajamas.  I still feel like that.  

But the thing is – I’m trying.  

I’m trying to get up and get dressed to sit at my desk to listen to a lecture.  I’m trying to finish my small tasks, I’m trying to finish my school work, I’m trying hard, even if it doesn’t look like it.  And a lot of times I don’t get those things done – I simply don’t have the energy.  But when I do finish those things I have to do I’m proud.  

I used to think: why can’t I do this simple task without wanting to cry out of frustration?  Why can’t I have the energy to get up and do something productive?  Why don’t I enjoy doing those things that I used to enjoy doing?  Do I just need to go outside for once?  

I’ve started looking at it differently now, though.  Instead of feeling frustrated and hopeless I begin to think: I’m glad I was able to finish this one task so that I can start on the others.  Sometimes I finish everything.  Sometimes I stay in my pajamas all day and take four hour naps between tasks.  I realize all days are going to be different and that I should be proud of myself for even trying and not staying in bed all day, frustrated and hopeless.  

So, even if my motivation and inspiration have taken a nose-dive, I’m still proud that I am still alive and am able to finish the things I need to.  Hopefully soon, I will be able to finish the tasks that are not mandatory.  And hopefully this quarantine ends soon so I can get some Vitamin D without feeling guilty!