I’ve lost my appetite during quarantine. I barely muster up the appetite to have one meal all day. I used to be the type to eat all day long. My parents would make fun of me and say I was like a teenage boy instead of a teenage girl because of how much I would eat and not gain much weight. But I’ve more or less become stationary now. I’m not exercising or moving much at all so I don’t have any way to burn calories, explaining my decreased need for ingesting them.

Another reason that I can’t seem to eat, or enjoy meals anymore, is because I am repeating the things I eat. My family is no longer eating out or buying food so we are stuck with whatever my mom cooks for the day. She is an amazing cook, all her friends and family say she makes the best food out of anybody they know. Don’t get me wrong, I love my moms cooking, but after a while, eating the same things, from the same culture, gets really old. I wish she would try making new things from different cultures though, but she doesn’t like to change as much as I do. She does like making new sweets though. This doesn’t work for me because I don’t have a sweet tooth almost at all.

Sometimes she does attempt at making things I ask for, but they dont always go so well. In February I asked her to make honey walnut shrimp, and bless her soul for trying, but she failed immensely. When she asked how it tasted, I lied and said it was good, but she could tell I was lying because I barely even touched my plate. She got upset that I didn’t like it because she takes a lot of pride in being really good at cooking. Like really upset.

Mama, I’m sorry I made you put in all this work to learn a new food, find a recipe, go to the store and buy the ingredients, take time out of your day to make it and clean up afterwards just for me not to like it. I feel really bad for making you feel like you didn’t do a good job. I appreciate it though and I feel the love.

Because she was upset she said, “Why do you want to eat new food anyways? Whats wrong with what I make? If you want new food make it yourself.” That is who my next apology is going to. I say I want to accomplish such great things, try new things, and then don’t do anything to actually do it. I couldn’t even bring myself to make food despite all the free time I have during quarantine. This is one of my biggest weaknesses, and one of the things that frustrates me the most. I want to do things, but I can’t bring myself to do them. I just don’t know where the time goes sometimes.

Imane, I’m sorry for holding you back. I know you want to accomplish a million things and that’s great. I wish you would. I’m sorry i lack motivation and focus all the time. I’m sorry I have an issue with procrastinating. I want to get rid of that habit, believe me. It’s just so hard. Please keep believing in me though, I’m trying really hard.