Food hasn’t really been on my mind the past couple weeks in quarantine.  My diet’s remained virtually unchanged, save for the occasional midnight meal.  What’s changed the most in quarantine is probably my hair.  About three weeks into quarantine I had already bleached the front strands of my hair.  (yes like an e-boy, no I don’t make tiktoks) A few weeks after I had dyed them blue.  And a week ago, I shaved my head. And then yesterday, I bleached my hair and dyed it bright turquoise.  My close friends have honestly somehow gotten used to my antics, I’ve never hesitated to change the way I look on a whim, and quarantine is the perfect time to do so.  At this point, I have a dedicated group chat full of people I FaceTime when I mess around with my hair.  When I call them, they all cheer me on for some reason.  They aren’t exactly good at being my impulse control.

This is what I mean by a “mullet”

 (This is not my picture, but I cannot find who took it)

    Did you know that before quarantine hit, I was growing a mullet?  That was a really interesting choice.  People were solidly 50/50 on supporting me, some people even threatened to cut my hair in my sleep (which just made me want to do it more).  Shaving my head, or I guess the more accurate term would be buzzing my hair, was a really unique experience.  As someone who presents as female, there are many people who have something to say about my appearance, and especially my hair.  When I chopped off my hair the first time from around waist-length to a bob, people started handing me their opinions I really didn’t want to carry.  Then of course, I kept cutting it shorter and shorter.  I’ve lost track of the amount of times that people have asked me when I am planning to grow out my hair.  As if I’m somehow not already satisfied with how I look, and this is some phase I’ll grow out of. It’s not everyday you hear someone ask a man when he is planning to grow his hair out.  But that’s what I hear often.

    If I’m being honest, I shaved my head because I got a 40% on my chem quiz and I needed something else to think about.  Maybe that’s a little extreme for most, but I had already been planning to do it eventually. “ Why not today?” I asked myself.  And really, there was no answer.  So I did it.  I believe life is way too short to live in fear.  I can’t lie and say I wasn’t nervous before the big chop, but I still went for it.  At that moment, with the buzzer to my head, I didn’t think about how I was going to look, how other people were going to react, how I was going to grow it out, or anything like that.  The only thing I was thinking about was how nice it felt.  And that’s all life really is.  It’s the fleeting moments where time slows and you know you’ll remember this for a lifetime.  

    I’ve learned a lot in the years I’ve spent messing with my hair.  I learned that most people really don’t care what you look like.  You could go outside with bright turquoise hair and turn maybe two heads.  Most people are too focused on whatever they are out to do, to care much about your appearance.  I learned that what people say, what they think, really don’t matter.  The people who matter most will always be there to support you.  Plus, at the end of the day, you spend the most time with yourself.  And if you’re not satisfied with who you see in the mirror, it’s time to change something.  I know when I look in the mirror and I see my hair, I smile.  It’s not really out of vanity, I just feel a little bit more like me now.  (and also I kind of look like a tennis ball which objectively, is hilarious) I learned nothing is as scary as you think it is.  The big test you’ve been dreading, or the intimidating group you want to talk to, or the interview you have to ace.  They really aren’t all that scary.  The thing is, either you do it once, and you’ll never have to face that fear again, or you have to do it again and you’ll already have experience.  Either way, you stand to gain something.  Lastly, I learned that life is supposed to be fun.  Trying new things, gaining new experience, learning more about who you are, is what life is all about.  Every time I pick up my scissors I learn a little more about who I am, and who I’m not.  I’m not a person who cares about conforming to social norms.  I’m not interested in appearing attractive to other people.  I’m not what other people say I am.  I’m just a person who really, really, likes short hair.